About two miles north of where the Pulse Nightclub once stood, 12 survivors gathered Friday night at another club, Anthem.
The ceremony was separate from the City of Orlando’s remembrance event, happening just a half mile south. The invite was reserved only for the survivors, their families, and friends. For many, it was their first time stepping inside a darkly lit club since they were at Pulse 10 years ago when a shooter entered the building, killed 49 people, and injured many others.
“It’s kind of like confronting a fear,” said Darelis Torres, 37, a Pulse survivor. She wasn’t sure about having a remembrance ceremony inside a club, but she quickly came around as the night became one of reflection, tears, laughter, and dancing.
“It's a good closing to the 10-year mark,” Torres said.
The Anthem’s back wall depicted a large “4” and “9” framing the names of the 49 people who were killed on June 12. The group read each name and then paused for a long moment of silence. But the night was not defined by sorrow. Instead, it was love, laughter, and a celebration of life that echoed in the club’s intimate walls.
There were even surprises, with video messages of love from celebrities touched by the Pulse tragedy – hoping to provide support. Messages came from singers and actors: Gloria Estefan, Ellen DeGeneres, Iyanla Vanzant, John Leguizamo, Johnny Sibilly, and Brenda K. Starr.
Survivors spoke about the experience at the shooting a decade ago, like Michael Morales Hernandez, who shared the moment he witnessed his fiancé, Martin Benitez Torres, die in his arms.
“He said to me, ‘Babe, I’m going to die. I want you to know I love you.’ He kissed me and fell to the floor,” he said.
Morales Hernandez was shot 4 times. He was told his legs might have to be amputated, but that wasn’t the case. He spent a long time in a wheelchair.
Now, after five years of physical therapy and 25 surgeries, Morales Hernandez doesn’t just walk, he dances.
“The only thing I asked God, ‘if you let me walk, you better let me dance,’” he said.
A drag queen performance broke the ice, leaving the dancefloor hot for others to take part.
That turn of the night, from mourning to joyful celebration, was symbolic of what it’s like to be a Pulse survivor, Torres said.
For 10 years, Torres described her life as a roller coaster with ups and downs. She had attended Pulse with her friend Jonathan Camuy Vega, one of the 49 killed. After the night, she has felt her life be in a sort of limbo, where June 12, 2016, feels like it was just yesterday, she said. The pain of losing her friend and the nightmares of that night still feel raw.
But there has been joy. Torres said she was able to pursue her master's degree in human resource management, not for herself, but for Jonathan Camuy Vega. What keeps her going are her two daughters, and nights like Friday, when she’s joined by her other family, her Pulse family.
“This is the real us,” she said. “The ups, the downs. This is how it feels to live with it every day, versus everything else that you might see is more like performance.”
A large portion of the survivors chose not to go to the City of Orlando’s remembrance ceremony, feeling as though it didn’t represent how they wanted to remember that day, said Zachary Blair, a Pulse survivor advocate and organizer of Friday’s survivor event.
“Whenever the city does events, they have politicians walking around from table to table. They give their own speeches. They don't give survivors the space to share their stories. And we thought that was important,” he said.
Blair and the survivors are angry with City officials, whom they feel haven’t held people accountable regarding the onePULSE Foundation, which collected millions of dollars of donations for a memorial that was never built. They also seek accountability for lingering questions regarding discrepancies in how the Orlando Police Department describes its operations on the night of Pulse versus what bodycam footage has shown.
“I think this is the perfect time for survivors to reclaim their own space and to reclaim the story and reclaim the narrative,” Blair said.
According to Blair, the survivor event was put together with $400 worth of donations. Anthem donated its space thanks to club owners, and a married couple, Michael Vacirca and Manny Emmanuel Quiñones.
“We know what it means for you to walk into a club like this one on all nights of June 12. We don't take it lightly, and we never will,” Vacirca said to survivors at the start of the night. “The answer to that night was never silence. It was never closing the doors or dimming the lights. The answer was more light, more music, and more of us… a dancefloor that refuses to be afraid.”
For survivor Maritza Gomez, the dancefloor was the perfect place for a 10-year remembrance. While June 12 has always been hard, Gomez said it’s healing to be with the Pulse family.
Gomez said she has often woken up at 2 a.m. – the time the shooting began – with anxiety and sadness from that night, unable to breathe. But seeing the other survivors on nights like Friday sets her mind at ease.
“They understand where my pain comes from,” Gomez said. “They're not my blood, but they are my family. We went through a tragedy that will always be with us forever.”
Gomez had no interest in going to the city event. She feels that the city’s remembrance doesn’t represent how the 49 lived their lives.
“They died on the dance floor. They'd be remembered on the dance floor. This is how you remember 49 lives, not the way the City of Orlando has been doing it for the last 10 years,” Gomez said. “It's the dance floor, and it's always going to be dancing for them all the time.”
Editor’s Note: While the event Friday was reserved only for the survivors, their families, and friends, Central Florida Public Media was invited to attend and cover the remembrance by its organizers.
