Multiple remembrance ceremonies are being held in recognition of the people lost in the Pulse Nightclub shooting and the resilience of the survivors over the past decade. Many of those survivors still carry the emotional scars of that day, June 12, 2016.
Among the 49 killed were Christopher Andrew Leinonen, 32, and his boyfriend, Juan Ramon Guerrero, 22.
Christopher’s mother, Christine Leinonen of Polk County, spoke with Central Florida Public Media about the day she lost her son, and how she’s managed her grief since.
It’s the 10th remembrance since the shooting at Pulse. How are you?
Leinonen: “I'm a little sadder than most years. I don't know if 10 years is just piling on. The gravity of 10 years is just feeling heavier on my heart this year than most years, but one thing that I find very cathartic, first talking about it, even when it's sad, it's cathartic.
I've always been an action-oriented person; I don't dwell in the abyss, so to speak.
I’ve been doing a lot of gay ally events, and that was very cathartic to let people know that I was a gay ally. So that any gays who felt very vulnerable during that time, because so many gays were killed then, we let the world know that we loved each other. We loved our gay kids.
But I think what keeps me healthy and regular, normal for the last 10 years, is that I have been able to first be helpful where I could be helpful and try to be a mom to the many other gays who needed a mom. I figured it let them know that they were loved, just like Christopher was well-loved.”
With 10 years behind us, what is it that you remember about that night specifically?
“I have to keep myself from trying to remember it, because I've got things to do.
Most of the time, I (remember) me driving to Pulse that morning. In an instant, I went from just being your normal, average happy mother with Christopher being the future… and all that stopped.
(Last week) I was transported right back to 10 years ago, and I started crying, as if I was like, 'Come on, Christine, it's 10 years,' and for some reason, a lot of the memories from way back then surfaced. They surface a lot when I'm in the car, because there's not a lot that distracts me, and you get to think a lot. I started to cry.”
Could you remind us of who Christopher was? Who was Christopher at age 32?
“He was a perfect person. He was easygoing. He was happy. He was.. I could honestly say that I've never heard him say a cruel thing about another human being. Now he was gay, and he was catty, and he could really cut you down if need be… But he was sweet and kind. He was not mean.
He was a good Catholic.
He was a movie nerd. I didn't like movies, but he was always trying to get me to watch movies. He liked movies because his dad liked movies, and (Christopher) could've had a side gig as a movie critic. He loved movies that much. He knew everything about the actors, the genres, and the directors. Everything.
He formed relationships through movies.
He had his undergrad in psychology. Then he had his graduate degree in clinical psychology, which is perfect, because he had hundreds and hundreds of friends, and everybody in their 20s has relationship problems… So he was the go-to friend for any relationship issues.
He had lots of friends; he had good friends. He had a great career as a clinical therapist. He finally met the man he was going to marry, Juan Guerrero.”
Christopher would have been 42 at this time. What did you hope Christopher would be today? What was he working toward?
“His hope was to get his doctorate. That was his next step, and he was looking at Chicago.
And then he also wanted to be a father, so we were looking at how, at some point, not at 32, maybe not even at 42, but at 50… He wasn't ready for fatherhood right away. I mean, he had a lot of fun things he wanted to do. I mean, he wanted to go to Germany, he wanted to go to Europe, he wanted to go to Japan.
Between Christopher and me, neither of us had any grandiose ambitions or anything, but I used to tell Chris he's destined to write a book so that he could help people with relationships.
I knew that was in his future because he was; he just had so many friends, and he was so good at it, and he needed to let people know how to navigate struggles that everybody has.
You could see what he was robbed of. He was robbed of a lot.”
What else do you think was taken after Christopher died?
“When you think of all his friends who were robbed of just being a part of his life, in whatever way, if they were just witnessing (his life) on Facebook or getting a text now and then, they're robbed of experiencing his life that they were looking forward to experiencing. I look forward to experiencing his friends' lives and how they have another kid and how that kid's doing… We're just small drops, but we have ripple effects that affect the whole flow of the ocean.”
How are you choosing to honor Christopher on the 10th year remembrance of the June 12th shooting? How are you choosing to experience the day?
“I’ll make it a non-day…I'll make it something where I go to Publix, or go to Lowe's. I've done that with Christmas, Mother's Day, and I try to make them into non-days, because making them into days is just so painful. It's just more pain than my heart can handle.
But I do everything I can to stay healthy. I see all my doctor's appointments. I want to be alive. I want to stay alive. I don't want to die, but when and if I do die, I'm looking forward to hopefully reuniting with Christopher's energy again. And so there's always that. There's always that belief that I'll somehow see him again.”
