Dear Life Kit is NPR's advice column, where experts answer tricky questions about relationships, social etiquette, work culture and more. Have a question you want to ask Dear Life Kit anonymously? Share it here.
These questions were answered by relationship expert Amy Chan, author of the upcoming book Unsingle: How to Date Smarter and Create Love That Lasts, and sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski, author of the book Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections.
The conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
Dear Life Kit: My partner and I are close friends with another couple. We've known them for over a decade, and I even officiated their wedding.
As their relationship has progressed, we've become increasingly concerned for them. We feel that the division of labor within their marriage is unfair. These friends individually confide in my spouse and me about their marital problems.
We feel a sense of duty to help them resolve their problems. But I also wonder if divorce is a better option for them. What should I do? — Bothered Bystander
Amy Chan: You're a very good friend. You have compassion and you care about your friends deeply.
I would be careful to not triangulate. Person A is coming to you and complaining, then Person B is coming to you and complaining, and they're not having those conversations themselves.
Ultimately this is a problem between them, and you can't fix it — or tell them to get a divorce.
Emily Nagoski: If you suggest they get divorced and then they don't, you'll forever be the friend who said: You thought we should get divorced.
Chan: As a friend, you have to set some boundaries for yourself.
When someone is coming to you and they're constantly complaining, it might feel productive for them. But it's not. Venting can actually reinforce a negative feeling. So there's a point where [the conversation is] actually not helpful for the person and for you as a listener.
You can also ask permission before giving advice. You might say: Do you want any feedback? Someone's going to be a lot more open to receiving advice if you ask first.
Dear Life Kit: My girlfriend and I started dating a little over a year ago. At first, she was very loving and affectionate. She'd leave me little love notes and we had sex often. Then a few months in, she had [a procedure] to insert an intrauterine device and we haven't had sex since.
She tells me she's bled constantly since the IUD placement and it affects her hormones. So she simply has no sexual appetite and abstains from nearly any affectionate gesture.
I don't want to pressure her, but I want my girlfriend back. Is it wrong for me to ask her to consider my feelings about sex and affection? — Starved for Affection
Nagoski: I think we might not know everything that happened with the IUD placement. There's a significant proportion of people who have very intense, unpleasant experiences with IUD placement. If she's been bleeding constantly, there might have been a painful experience that she has not felt comfortable sharing.
It's valid to want your needs met and to have a conversation about it. But if you go in and say, "Hey, I'm entitled to the sex and love that you were giving me before," it's not going to work out.
Begin the conversation with: "I really miss you. I miss the sense of feeling emotionally connected and loved." And without going into the sexual conversation, ask if there are things you both can do that feel loving.
Dear Life Kit: My boyfriend and I have been in a loving, long-distance relationship for just over two years. We're both looking forward to moving in together in the future.
My issue is he has a lot of close female friends. When I met his female friends from college, one of the first things they brought up was how they'd all seen him naked because "that's just what he did at parties." He'd never mentioned that to me.
And recently, he was invited to a music festival by another female friend. He was very short on details, like what the sleeping arrangements would be.
I don't think he would cheat on me, but I can't stop feeling a little jealous. I've never had many guy friends, so it's hard for me to accept all these platonic female friendships. Do I have to? — Long Distance and Left Out
Chan: Yes, it's totally OK for your partner to have friends of the opposite sex. But now that he's in a relationship, it's important to have a conversation around boundaries.
We can try to remove all the things that make us jealous. Like, you can't be friends with this person. You can't [hang out with them] past this time. But it's like whack-a-mole. If you don't address a core issue, you're constantly going to be addressing the symptoms.
Nagoski: Because it's so early in the relationship, nip this in the bud [with therapy]. You can have all the relationship skills in the world, but if you don't understand the source of your discomfort, you're not going to be able to cope with it.
The story was edited by Meghan Keane. We'd love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.
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